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Monday, December 24th, 2007
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11:18 pm
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Another big fight tonight.
I don't understand why we can't come to a compromise about the stupidest things.
His sister's birthday was tonight. I volunteered to go and do that thing, if we could then go to my grandma's. He agreed. Until an hour before it was supposed to go down. Then he chnaged his mind, I didn't have to go to his house, and he wasn't going to go to my grandma's. So we had this big fight.
I don't understand, why, in 2 1/2 years, we havent' been able to resolve this problem. His family never seems to be that important to him except for when we have this fight, and then all hell breaks loose when I suggest that we share the holiday together.
My thought is this: he's been making and then breaking plans with me for 2 1/2 years. I'm trying to plan a long term future with him, but he's never going to change. He's never going to be able to give and take like real people in adult relationships. Why am I still trying to make this happen with him? It can't work, it just can't. I can't work like this anymore, it shouldn't be this much work to make things happen.
And I get to thinking even more about it; what happens, when, in 6 months, I get a real job and move? I know he's said time and time again that he would follow me, but I'm really beginning to doubt that now. I doubt that he can/will leave his parents, because they "need" him so much, when in reality, they're just too cheap to pay someone for all the shit that they make him do. So, do I waste more of my time trying to make it work or just call it a day? Because the more I think about it, the more sure I am that this has all been a joke, that nothing I plan for the future with him is going to work, and that I should just move on.
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| Sunday, November 11th, 2007
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12:40 am
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it seems that lately, everyone around me is getting engaged, planning a wedding, or having a baby.
and all i can say is...
i want, i want, i want.
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| Saturday, September 16th, 2006
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9:54 pm
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Why is it that whenever things start to look up something falls from the sky?
Andy finally started his internship, and really likes it. He's doing that part time and working at radioshack full time.
However, he's about to get fired from radioshack for "poor performance", ie, meaning that he's too nice of a guy to sit by and sell shit to people for 4 times more than they could get it elsewhere. So his sales are down. Add to that the fact that his boss is constantly sticking him with truck duty, and the guy is hardly on the floor, therefore can't make as much money as the rest of the sharks there.
So what? It's not that bothers me, it's the fact that he's really hurt and upset by it. This is the first time Ive seen him cry that hasn't had anything to do with me. And I can't help him, which makes me feel like shit, because I want to make things OK for him and I can't.
And then, my hours at work got cut, so for the next 2 weeks I'm working 16 hours. Which hardly pays the bills, not to mention saves any money for books next semester (like how I'm worried about books when I haven't even gotten my loans for this semester taken care of?). I guess I'm going to have to look for another job, which should be fun, because it'd be like having 3 jobs and school, all at the same time.
I don't really know why I'm posting this, but I just felt like I needed to write it down somewhere, because it's so unfair.
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| Sunday, August 20th, 2006
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3:36 am
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I guess that it's only right...we have gone full circle.
We started "us" outside on the trampoline, and tonight, I had some serious time to think out there, about ending "us". Lately it's just been so damn hard, hard to keep going. I know that there are supposed to be bad times along with the good, but how can we keep going when we are forever fighting? This self-doubt that I have...every day I wonder if I am good enough, if I can keep making happy without hurting him, or stop myself from pissing him off enough to make him leave.
It wouldn't be so hard if I didn't care so much. But I do. I care more than I ever thought possible. I know that we can have a future. Together.
I make myself sick. There are so many things I wish I hadn't said, so many times that I have hurt him that I wish I could take back. It's the hurting him that I can't take, that makes me feel this worthless. I wish that I could undo all of tonight.
current mood:  broken
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| Friday, December 30th, 2005
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1:39 am
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Ever get the feeling that things just aren't right?
There's just a whole list of things that happened (or rather didn't happen) that is just all beginning to take its toll on me. I'm sorry, I can't sleep next to you knowing that everything isn't alright, while you're blissfully unaware of how sick it makes me feel.
Maybe I never was good enough.
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| Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
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8:02 pm
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It's been a long time since I've been this happy.
Things between us have gotten tons better. I love that we see each other every night until the early hours of the morning. I love that he's my boyfriend, but that we started out as friends so we always have something to talk about. I love that we're serious about a lot of things, and have amazing conversations, but I can be silly anytime, all the time, when I'm with him, from talking about toothpaste to making fart noises in his elbow. I love that he's always ready to tell me I'm gorgeous, even when I'm sweaty and have no make up on. And the cuddling. And the kissing.
I can't say that I've ever been this comfortable around another person in my whole life.
I'm happy.
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| Monday, June 13th, 2005
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12:02 pm
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I just had two of the best days ever.
Saturday, was spent mostly in bed. Someone elses bed. Just cuddling. It was amazing. Then we got up to go see a movie, and continued the cuddling for another 3 hours on my trampoline. We talked about things that I don't remember, but it was just amazing to spend all that time with someone's arms wrapped around you.
But he never kissed me. How do you spent one of the most perfect days with someone and not even try to kiss them?
So I went back on Sunday. I had this whole speech planned out about I don't have days like that often, and was he planning on ever kissing me? But I realized that that was too close to the asking Dan to kiss me, and decided not to. But sunday was much the same. Then I just decided to get the balls and just do it. I just don't know if it was extreme gentleness, shock, or complete disinterest, but...it just wasn't there.
I don't know, I keep thinking of Brandon, because he's the only other guy who's ever touched me like that. It sounds really corny, but then again, what do I care...Tracing my face with his hand, pushing my hair off my forehead...Just things like that that make me think he's really into it, but then that kiss...
Maybe I did just surprise the hell out of him. Maybe he was just being super gentle...I don't know about the disinterest thing, because he kissed me again later. Maybe this is just going to go really slow, which I guess is kinda cool, because I've never really done that before...Wait, yes I have, Dan...but I guess that doesn't really count anymore.
I guess it's also funny because I know we'll never talk about it with each other (but with anyone else, it's fair game), we'll just pick up where we left off, and bury the hurt feelings.
That, I guess, is a good relationship. And I'll take what I can get.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: "Hear Me" Kelly Clarkson
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| Monday, April 11th, 2005
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10:01 pm - I will pretend that I am better, because I have to be.
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Spring is here, and with the spring are come more "good" days. But "more" isn't good enough, I want to be having "all" good days.
I've pretty much stopped the cutting and bruising. Except not because I know I shouldn't do it, but I've stopped because I know that I have to wear a strapless dress in front of my whole family in a few weeks, and I see the scars that the old cuts have left. I don't want to deal with the questions. But, when the bad days come, I feel really thankful that I keep biting my nails. It's a lot harder to tear chunks out of your skin that way.
Good days, but I'm still having bad nights. I don't know why, I could have the best day ever, but then the night comes and I feel the same way I did 6 months ago. And that's not a time I ever want to go back to, so you can imagine my distress.
School's almost over, so that's the thought that's getting me through the next 2 weeks. After that, I'll be close to 21. And after that...I don't know what there is to make me get out of bed every morning.
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| Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
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11:23 pm
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I'm so smitten. Oh yes...so caught up in Jeremy...!
And I know that I'm excited about tomorrow for the wrong reasons...Tomorrow we go down to the funeral home to the viewing of Kristi's mom, so I know I should probably be dreading it, but...Jeremy's meeting us there...so wicked excited...
Just wondering about his girlfriend though...if she's still in the picture, b/c as of yesterday, she wasn't going to be for long...but who knows.
We can talk on the phone for hours, and it feels like 5 minutes...wow, I'm smitten as hell.
I hope he's as thrilled as I am.
current mood:  chipper
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| Saturday, February 26th, 2005
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2:18 pm
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I'm so far beyone livid right now. There really isn't a word to describe it.
I'm the FUCKING maid of honor. I FUCKING plan the shower. That's what the FUCKING maid of honor does. Don't FUCKING change the location and the FUCKING date without FUCKING asking me first. It's FUCKING bullshit that my FUCKING mother has decided to let everyFUCKINGone else plan this FUCKING shower without even FUCKING asking me if I need any FUCKING help.
I seriously want to beat the shit out of someone right now. Anyone. The next person I fucking see. I'm sorry if it's you.
I need to fucking cut my fingernails before I tear chunks out of my skin.
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2:41 am
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I fucking ran into Chelsea today. For the 4th time this week.
I want to know, why is it, that out of the 1640 minutes in a day, as big as this city is, WHY we have to be in the same place, at the same time. It's bull shit, and it's way too far past coincidence.
I think God is telling me not to hate her.
I think God should tell Chelsea to stick her tongue in an electric outlet.
Is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
'Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids
So have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield
current music: "70 times 7" Brand New
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| Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
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10:12 pm
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In class today, we were talking about Erikson and all of his stages of development. I realized that one of them, Industry vs. Inferiority, still plays a large role in my life. Even though it is generally an issue for 6-12 year olds, I can apply this on a fairly daily basis in my life. Part of the inferiority complex is that previous negative outcomes of a situation will lead to expectations for negative outcomes in other situations.
I see this all the time, what with being a negative person and all...But one in particular sticks out the most in my mind. My scholastic motivation, or lack thereof.
We were talking that praise is the best motivation for anyone to do anything. I then thought back to how little I hear my parents say that they're proud of me, if I hear it at all. I've come to the realization that part of the reason I never go to class/do any work is because of their low expectations/lack of ackowledgement for anything I do. This leads me to have low academic goals and poor attendance.
I know that they're not the entire reason I don't really care anymore, but it makes a lot of sense to me that they're at least a part of it. If I fall I'm dragging them down with me.
I think it's funny how I used to try so hard to prove them wrong, prove to them that I can make something of myself and that I didn't need them, and how now, I just don't care anymore.
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| Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
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12:08 am
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I will pretend that I am over this, because I have to be.
Fake it til you make it.
current music: "Anymore" Travis Tritt
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| Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
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12:52 am
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I want answers, to all the questions going on in my head.
I'm coming into the realization that people don't simply disappear from our lives. Sometimes they come back to you in the weirdest ways imaginable, but maybe there's a reason for it.
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| Friday, January 7th, 2005
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1:09 am
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Things have changed so much. I thought I knew who I was, but then I decided I didn't like that girl. So now I'm caught up in the process of (yet again) changing who I am. And I'm wondering, will this ever end? Will I ever like who I am, or will I constantly want to change myself? Is all the change for the better?
AHHH, I hate changes, but I honestly know that I need to do this. I never realized why I wasn't happy, until I realized that I don't like who I am. Since my goal for this year is to make myself into a happy person, this is a necessary change.
As much as I hate to admit this, I'm making this change for other people too. I want to be the same girl I was when I was with you, however I'm so far from her...I want to be... There isn't a way to un-do the past, that I'm aware of, so I guess I'll just have to work on making myself better. I have no idea how to do this, but I think I can make it.
I'm feeling very positive right now, and I love it.
current mood:  positive
current music: Classical Mozart
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| Sunday, October 24th, 2004
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12:39 am
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Reviewing all my journal entries, especially April 25th, I realize just how bad things can, and did, get.
I lost Josh, not long after that entry. 4 months later, and I still can't fathom never seeing him again, and every time I think of that fact, I still break down and cry. I just can't imagine never seeing him again, his goofy smile, his confident saunter, his amazing hugs...The way he would always say "How YOU doin'?", never fail. How he could make you smile and feel good on your worst day. I can't believe it, and I miss him so much it feels like I'm breaking inside.
In the same time span, I lost Matt. Not to an accident, like Josh, but we just fell. When I needed him the most, he pushed me away. I've tried so hard to talk to him, but I can't take the unreturned phone calls, the stupid IM's I keep sending to no avail. To lose both him and Josh at the same time makes me feel that nothing is right.
But, how can anything be right, right now? How can it be fair for the most amazing person in the world be here one minute, and gone the next? Josh truly was amazing, you could tell how many people he had touched by the massive amount of people who showed up at the funeral.
In the words of Mitch Albom, in his book The 5 People You Meet in Heaven, "Fairness does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young."
And the situation with Matt...I can't even describe how much it hurts me to see him push me away. I've tried so hard to be there for him...I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I'm begging him to talk to me, and I suppose I am, but like I said, it's all to no avail. What does it matter to him that I care about him so much? What does a girl like me mean to a guy like him? Nothing. He's made that quite obvious.
Anyway, reading previous journal entries, it made me laugh out loud. I thought that it was the end of the world that I didn't have a job, and here, it's like I'm watching my friendships diminish, and I never thought things could get worse. I was dealing with hurting myself, and now I have to deal with hurting the people I love the most. And them hurting me.
I truly know what it is to suffer. To suffer is to watch the one you love hurt, and not let you help them.
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| Saturday, June 5th, 2004
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11:53 pm
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| Friday, June 4th, 2004
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2:10 am
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This is my last cry out to you.
And you can't say that I didn't try to keep this, us, alive and afloat. Because I have tried. So hard. But you won't have it, quite obviously, because here I am, and there you are. It hurts that I've kept up this illusion, that you needed me, up for so long, and that I believed in it, wholeheartedly. It hurts that you don't give a damn about me, enough to even say anything, even goodbye, to me. It just hurts.
But hear this: I'm done trying. So please, stop haunting me.
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| Sunday, May 30th, 2004
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12:53 am
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Goddammit, sometimes it makes me feel so special that I have such great friends.
Sometimes I feel like no one wants me around.
Then I wonder...Can I blame them?
current mood: hurt
current music: "Invisable" Lillix
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| Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
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1:57 am
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Tonight John asked me what I would do if I knew that I could not fail.
Immediately, the answer out of my mouth was "love".
If I knew that there was no chance of me being rejected, hurt, or failing, I would do it. Which led me to thinking about why it is that I haven't dated anyone in a while, I'm afraid of all those things.
*Sigh* I guess some things will never go away.
current music: "The One" Gary Allen
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